Joker Day
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: My annual monologue for Mark Hamill's birthday - this time, the Clown Prince of Crime wants to establish a new holiday, and provides a Five Point Plan to Joker Enlightenment. Happy 68th birthday to the one and only Joker :-)


**Joker Day**

Ok, first of all, when's Joker Day?

That egomaniacal Bat got a whole day's celebration a few days ago – people fawning all over him in person and on the internet, like he was a cuddly puppy rather than an unstable vigilante thug. Well, when is it my turn for puppy cuddles? That wasn't a hint, Harley, but seriously, Bats would be nothing without me! I'm the one who always tries to put a smile on his face, and pass that smile along to everyone else in this miserable burg. And what do I get for my trouble? Broken bones and missing teeth, more often than not. I'm gonna start one of those online petitions to make today, September 25, an official holiday known as Joker Day. It's really the least I deserve after all I've done to entertain people for the past 80 odd years. I don't understand why I'm not appreciated, while some bullying vigilante in a Halloween costume is idolized. He looks scary and hurts people, so I guess people are too frightened to call him on it, while nobody takes my clownish self seriously. Which is frankly their mistake – the greatest entertainers in the world used comedy not only to make people laugh, but to impart some great truths about the world. Bugs Bunny, for instance. There is nothing funnier than getting a duck to shoot himself by using his own words against him. If you can't see the comedy, and indeed the wisdom in that, then there's no hope for you.

And speaking of hope, let's talk about life goals.

Oh, I know what you're thinking – "Joker, you have so many enviable skills and talents that you so generously share with the world – in addition to your gut-busting comedy routine, have you decided to bless us all with your wisdom by taking up life coaching?" And the answer is yes, kind of. But my advice is free, not like those hacks who charge you thousands of dollars to attend their stupid seminars full of useless advice. I attended one of those the other week, and the guy's power of positive thinking mantra did absolutely nothing to help him remain positive after I attached his tie to the ceiling fan, which slowly strangled him, but not before the blades bludgeoned him to death. I tell ya, if I'm ever faced with my inevitable demise, I'll be smiling and laughing until the very end, which is why my power of positive thinking is a lot greater than his was.

I also know what you're thinking now – "But Joker, you don't seem like a guy with a plan, or someone who wants to help people." Well, I do have plans, and this isn't about helping people. I mean, you can take or leave my advice, I don't care. I just thought I'd throw it out there for any poor soul struggling against the weight of the world. Maybe you have money woes. Maybe your personal life isn't going as great as you hoped. Maybe you haven't had a date in years. Maybe your kids are hooked on drugs. Maybe you just lost your job. Maybe some bat bully keeps trying to spoil your fun night after night. All of these regular occurrences happen every day in our miserable little world, and frankly, it's enough to drive anyone crazy. And that's my first piece of advice to you – do it. Just go crazy. Just stop buying into the pathetic notions of order and sanity that run so many aspects of our lives. In the words of a famous Disney song, just "let it go."

"Yes, Joker," you're thinking now (I'm a little bit of a mind reader, what can I say?) "That's easy for you to say – you're so fearless and brave, but I can't just completely overturn my entire life like that." And you're right – you're not brave enough to do that. Most people aren't, you see. I know freedom is a word people love to bandy around like renaming French Fries, but it ain't all it's cracked up to be in general. See, most people are really, really stupid. I mean, look at the people in charge of things and you'll see what I mean – a majority of people were stupid enough to vote them into power. And stupid things, like pets or children, they shouldn't be given freedom, because they'd only harm themselves or somebody else. So we keep 'em under our thumb, and frankly, most people are still children who don't deserve freedom. Complete freedom means the freedom to make the wrong choices, and nobody really wants that kinda freedom. That's why we have laws, and Batman, to punish those people who make the "wrong" choices. Bats is like one weird babysitter, some grim authority figure who keeps the kiddies in line, even though he's just a grown-up kid playing dress-up himself.

I know there's a lotta propaganda out there about me, that I'm a symbol for the state of modern society, and that one bad day can drive anybody to be like me. But the truth is, I'm not a symbol, because who wants all that pressure? That's Batsy's gig, the poor sap. I'm just a guy who does whatever the hell he wants, with a smile on his face. And you've got no chance of equaling me on the crazy scale, pal. I mean, you're welcome to try, but nobody outcrazies the Joker. I don't see myself as an everyman figure who's just waiting for everybody to wake up and realize the world's a madhouse. Mostly because I don't respect the intelligence of the everyman on the street to figure that out. And most people dismiss my wisdom as the ravings of a lunatic anyway, which goes to show what they know. No, I'm not an aspirational figure in that sense – you have no hope of ever being able to emulate my greatness, so it's a waste of time to try. But hey, it's your time, so waste it how you want.

That's not to say I'm not a role model in other ways, however, which brings me back to the whole life goals thing. I have a five-step plan to Joker Enlightenment that I know you're just dying to hear, so I won't keep my audience in suspense any longer. Have you ever had a dream? Something you wanted with all your heart, but you gave up on it once you realized the world wasn't gonna let you have it? Well, that's where I come in, with my Five Point Plan for Joker Enlightenment. I mean, my dream is to pal around with Bats, and I achieve that basically every night. Oh sure, I'm not completely fulfilled, but at least I get to dance around the fringes of my dream, and with the devil in the pale moonlight. Sorry, flashback there. Anyway, my whole attitude toward life goals is that you should go for them. They're easily achievable, as long as you don't give up. Determination, that's the most important factor in any hope of achieving your dreams. Determination, and a willingness to be beaten into a pulp, both literally and metaphorically. See, life is like Batman. You make a plan, and he shows up and ruins it. And then he beats you down for even trying to have a plan. And then you make another plan, and he shows up again, and beats you some more. You have to improvise with him, but more than that, you have to see it through. You can't let life or Batman get in the way of pursuing your dreams, even though you can always count on them to. That's step one of my life goal seminar – always plan for the worst case scenario, because that's probably the one you're gonna end up in.

Step two is determination, grit, call it what you will. The ability to take failure and rejection and pain and keep going. This is where a lotta sane people fall at the first hurdle, because they think it's crazy to keep doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. But they're idiots, because the only way you're going to achieve something is to keep doing it over and over again. Practice makes perfect, after all, and you can't fulfill a dream without putting in lots of hours of effort and hard work, which includes failure and rejection.

That's step three – be prepared to fail. A lot. Almost constantly. You only learn from failure, not from success. If I ever succeeded in any of my schemes to kill Bats, my dream would be destroyed. Success is overrated, and not essential. If you can learn to be happy in failure, you're well on your way to becoming as enlightened as I am, although of course you'll never reach true Joker Enlightenment in just three steps.

Step four is just that – accept your limitations with a smile. We can't all be criminal and comic geniuses, as I am. Most of you reading this probably only come up to Riddler's level of intelligence, which is a pretty low bar. But don't be dispirited – recognize that we can't all be perfect like I am, and smile. A positive attitude and a ready smile makes all the difference between a gloomy sad sack who would do the world a favor by dying, like Batman, and a happy, cheerful person who makes the world a little bit brighter just by existing, like me.

And the final step in my five-step plan for Joker Enlightenment in reaching your life goals is…have I piqued your interest? You're dying to hear the final step, aren't you? Well, I don't give out my entire program for free – a man still has to make a living, you know, and this is a lot easier than robbing banks. So if you're curious about the final step to Joker Enlightenment, send a check for $5,000 (plus shipping and handling) made out to the Joker Enlightenment Foundation to Spread Smiles and Laughter, which is totally a legitimate business. Send your check, and the final step will appear in your mailbox within 6-8 weeks (That's 30-40 business days). Come on, would I lie to you? I mean, if you can't trust a guy called the Joker, who can you trust, right? Isn't $5,000 (plus shipping and handling) a reasonable price for complete enlightenment? Trust me, you can't afford not to take advantage of this special, once-in-a-lifetime limited offer. You'll kill yourself for missing out, I guarantee it.

Thank you for coming to my dead talk. Sorry, Harley tells me it's called a TED talk. Mine makes more sense, considering, but when have I ever made sense? That's definitely not a step on the Joker Five Point Plan to Enlightenment. Order today, and get a free gift to celebrate Joker Day!* You know you want to.

*Gift may not actually be free, and the definition of gift may be open to interpretation. But you know what they say about gifts - it's the thought that counts!


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